Original Sin All Over Again – By Rich Gagliano
“The cereal aisle is the devil’s workshop, our children are tempted just like Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden” Bishop Tobias T. Truth bellowed to a stunned congregation. Friday night services started in the usual way, the choir singing “Just another walk with Thee”, organist Melody Mockingbird providing direction and accompaniment.
The lone ceiling fan was fighting a losing battle against the oppressive heat of a August night in Chassahoitza, Florida . The Church of the Wildlife, was shaken to its 150 year old foundation, as the visiting bishop pounded the lectern. The usually placid congregation leaned forward in their chairs as the bishop ranted.
“Those cereal boxes and their contents are the work of the Devil himself, beckoning your children to eat the apple of sin, just like Adam, there are hidden messages in those boxes, we must root out the Devil where we find him, or our children will be sentenced to the fires of Hell and Damnation” He railed, his face contorting, his complexion the color of a red onion.
“You ask how can I turn the tide against the Devil….well do you ask….give me a Amen if you’re asking”
“Amen” shouted the congregation in unison.
“Well I’ll tell you how, don’t let your children eat SINFUL CEREAL, what kind of cereal brothers and sisters”
“SINFUL CEREAL” the flock shouted back.
“Apple Jacks, think of Adam and Eve. Fruit Loops….Lucky Charms. Then the most disgusting, vulgar, cereal of all, it makes the sound of FORNICATION, may the Lord forgive me….SNAP…CRACKLE and POP”
“Well the answer is right here. My three beautiful daughters Faith….Hope and Charity each will be holding a box of GOD approved cereal.” The bishops face cracking a thin smile.
“Faith is holding a box of ANGEL FLAKES light ….bright will lift your spirits out of sight”
“Hope is holding HONEY CATACOMBS ….connect with our faiths martyrs ….and find peace in the valley”
“Charity is holding the children friendly cereal CHRIST’S LITTLE CRITTERS….with NOAH his animals and the ARK”
“You’re asking, how much does it cost, it cost just one $5 dollar bill per box. $5 dollars per box isn’t that expensive you ask….No because you also receive a monthly subscription to the Bishops Banner–Long may she wave”
The congregation rushed from their chairs, $5 dollars bills in hand. The Bishop winked lustfully at Miss Mockingbird and took another swig of Jack Daniels from a coffee cup.