How to win a short story contest?

The obvious: No typos, spelling mistakes, faulty grammar, exotic and/or experimental styles like stories with no capital letters or a 13 page story as one run-on sentence. Gratuitous use of the words: “f@%k” “s$#t” “mother f#$%^r” “c*ck s&^$#r” “shag me till I’m dry” or “anal sex is fun with two hung chaps” will XXX you out of winning a story contest. You must always follow the rules as to format, i.e. double spacing, name/no name in the upper right corner, word count, etc, etc, etc. If the story contest length is between 3000 and 5000 words make it closer to 3000 words. Most stories, no make that ALL stories, can be made better by making them shorter. Unlike sex, in literature, shorter is better. Moby Dick would have been a better book 50 pages shorter. (That was not a double entrée cheap sex joke.)

Now let’s get into the minds of the judges.

If you are a judge staring at a stack of 200 stories, 30 pages each, what are you going to do? Read every single word in every story and then contemplate the merits in a serene moment of literary clarity? Get bloody real! Judges are ruthless and lazy bastards. As soon as the reader experiences too many of above mistakes, or their eyes flutter in boredom you’re in the trash bin. Why should they read a bad story all the way through? They don’t.

If, for some reason your story is the 199th read out of 200, you won’t win. By then the judges have reader fatigue. Sorry, but you can’t control when your story will be read. You may be first or last. It’s the luck of the draw. Life and contests are not fair. I suggest you turn in your story early because some of the contests read stories as they come in. Plus, if you are read late in the process, whatever theme you use has already been penned by other writers. What, you think you can write a story that is so exceptional, creative, imaginative and one of a kind?

More fodder for thought:

Let’s do some math boys and girls. Say, 100 stories are entered in a SMALL contest. (The larger ones have thousands) Figure that half (50) of the stories are shit (Can I use that word? What, I have already?) Another 10 are full of the above errors and lack luck or are damned by the Fates. Now you are competing with 40. Let’s say you have a damn good story, better than half. Down to 20 contestants. Lose 10 more, just for the hell of it and now you are in the top ten. Divine Intervention and you are in the top five. If you finish 4th out of 100 you get squat. Wow, you might win “honorable mention.” Anything but first is warm beer. You get cold pee soup. You get foreplay and no bang. If you do the math in entering a contest, well, don’t, you will never win.

OK, some real help.

So what factors make a winning story? What is the most important factor to consider when submitting a story? Here is the part that you will never hear from the contests or judges. They have to deny this. What you write about is more important than how well you write. I recently did an unscientific survey of winning stories to discern if there was anything similar about THE winning entry. This is what I found. (If you don’t believe me do your own research.) Two of first three winning stories I read had as their theme…a dead baby. Yes, the winning stories had dead babies! I’m not kidding. I’m dead serious. Most contests (except the humorous ones) have an unwritten code: Dead serious wins. And nothing is as serious or emotional as a dead baby story. In other words no matter how clever your story is, or how funny the story, it stands not a chance in hell, none, nada, zip of winning. OK, maybe a judge might have a sense of humor, but don’t count on it. I’m sure there are humorous stories that do win; but like UFO sightings or crops circles there is damn little evidence. About like the chance of Vancouver wining the Stanley Cup. (That was a Canadian joke.)

Why does humor rarely win? Funny I should ask. Because two people can’t agree on what is funny. Clever especially is looked upon as a gimmick. Example: This is funny… “Science has finally discovered why women fake orgasms…(Pause) Men fake foreplay.”

Again for emphasis:

Dead baby stories trumps all. The good news is there are other themes that stand a good chance. Such as: A father’s/mother’s suicide…. A deteriorating relationship into insanity… A dead soldier and his pregnant wife suffering with flashbacks of ironic anguish… A loved one (especially the innocent) dieing slowly of cancer is a good theme choice. Incest? Maybe. Sex with a child? No chance of winning there. But a dead baby is the best theme. Two dead babies are better. NOTE: The law of diminishing return says no more than two. Three dead babies in one story are bit over the edge. Four is ludicrous. Five is funny. Six dead babies in one story is a farce and a farce will never win any story contest. Also please note that A.I.D.S stories are passé. It still is a horrible killer but packs no punch in a literary sense—Might have won a story contest 25 years ago, but not today. Ditto for stories about dieing rainforests, killing baby seals, baby whales or drowning baby kittens with your bare hands. Yes, there is a dead baby in those stories but it is an animal.

Differences between men and women judges.

Men and women are different. Duh, really? A tumultuous relationship story is a good theme if the judge is a woman. Believe me most women (judges) love relationship stories? Stories that ooze with raw emotion. They really REALLY do like these stories. A mother/daughter relationship story is great winning story for a woman judge. Many, no make that most, women have or had a rocky relationship with their mother and they can relate to that kind of story. I would enter the contest with a fake woman’s name, like “Austina Jane.” Clever, eh? A common criticism of female readers (and female judges) is male writers don’t write realistic “women speech.” Of course that is nonsense. A good story is NOT about a woman or a man, it is about a HUMAN and we are the same and all capable of any individual behavior, emotions or word choice.

A gritty war story or car chase scene with bloody, sucking chest wounds is not a woman’s cup of meat. Actually the preceding is rarely liked by men judges either. Action/adventure stories never win too. Also, never make the butt of a joke nor bad person a woman character either. If there are two characters and one is an angel and other is a dirty rotten bastard….well, play it safe and vilify the guy. Political correctness is alive and well in the modern prose.

Flavors of judges.

Sometimes the judges are announced for the contest. Look them up and see what they have written. Judges have flavors like ice cream. They won’t have any idea if you “sort of copy” their themes and write what they write about. A professor in an MFA program has a prejudice for an MFA type story. Don’t know what that is? Basically it would be an atmosphere story that is flawlessly literate and ending in a calm Angst. There would never be an exclamation mark in the story. MFA writing programs regurgitate writers like a Thomas Kinkade painting—That is, the stories have great technique, beautiful, pretty prose, but lack something. If I had to put it into words (I am a writer) I would say their writing lacks guts, bravery and individuality. Pedantic judges (both sexes) believe that careful constructed prose and theme is a substitute for creative imagination…. Right now an editor is reading this with an MFE degree…hands twitching…about to cast my story into the slush pile of death. Yawn. I’ve been killed by better.

Let me belabor the point one more time.

It doesn’t really matter how clever or creative your story is, subject matter and sad serious tone is what wins contests. Dead babies win!

A sad story is easy to write. Sorry, it just is. As someone said: Death is easy, comedy is hard. Just make your story sad, and we all know what that is. But we all don’t now what funny is. In contests it is the triumph of sad stories (style) over all other writings.

Kill the baby and win.

About the Author

Michael G. McLaughlin